People often say they are thankful for their past, after all it made them who they are today, right? And if given the choice to go back in time and change anything..they would opt not to. I often say that too. Because in a sense it's true. Those hardships, that everyone usually goes through, built some backbone, confidence, and independence that otherwise I might not have gained.
I love my sister. She is one of the greatest people in my life. We are alike in so many ways, it's almost scary. But we have some very obvious differences too. And those differences were the cause of some early life hardships, and I'm still carrying them to this day.
Tara is a talker. She's known as that. It's her gift. She is very engaging in a conversation and also entertaining to watch as she talks. I am the listener. Probably because Tara did all my talking for me while I was growing up..I didn't feel a need to speak up. I'm an observer. I like to watch people, I like to read them and figure out what's going on in their head at the moment. These attributes have heightened my sensitivity to people, and their feelings, and how they feel towards me. I want and desire everyone to be happy and to get along.
Back to the issue of: Tara is the talker, I'm the listener.
That's kind of how I was defined. I remember 10 or so years ago, my family had flown back to Indiana for my Grandmother's birthday. There were many of my distant family members at the party who I had never met before. I remember Mom leading me over to one of her cousins, "This is Amber, the quiet one".
Maybe some people don't see that as a hurtful comment. But it was a very painful jab, because it wasn't the first time and it certainly wasn't the last. Since when does "quiet" become a negative character? I always thought it was a good thing. No one likes loud, obnoxious, rowdy people right? They come off as immature, abrasive, and unapproachable, at least to me they do.
These comments, such as the "she's the quiet one", made me second guess myself, my character, and the way people viewed me. Was I wrong to be quiet? As an 11 year old...it was devastating to me to think I could be a disappointment to my parents if they expected me to be more like Tara. I wasn't Tara. My sensitivity grew and I found myself extremely defensive whenever I felt my "quiet" nature was under attack. I wanted to defend the person God made me to be. Why did I need to change?
This is where that independence kicked it. I wasn't Tara. I was determined to be who I wanted to be and who God created me to be. I became my own person. Somewhat rebellious at times...but I was making my own life and I didn't want to be compared anymore. I started making my own decisions. I moved out of my parents' house right out of high school. I don't even remember asking if this was okay with them or not. But at that point, it didn't matter to me. I made the arrangements on my own and I was OUT.
Since then I've made some big decisions, on my own and I'm proud of that. But recently it has been brought to my attention that I need to become a little less independent now. I'm getting married this year and this independence I have can cause some difficulties. I'm struggling to find the balance. I can't make all the decisions on my own, like I'm so used to doing. I have to confer with Ben and it's not always easy to do because most of the time I already have my mind made up. I have someone else's needs and feelings to think about, it's not just me anymore.
Balancing is tricky
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7 comments:
Congratulations!!! I just heard about this not too long ago. I am so excited for you guys.
I will have to read the story of it soon.
As for independence and learning the balance of sharing your thoughts... don't worry it will come. Even those of us that have been married for a while struggle. It's part of life and Ben will always love you.
Jenn
Amber,
You show such maturity and poise. You are years ahead of where many of us older folk were when we got married. You are already doing the work--it takes lots of practice--so go easy on yourself. It will come...or at least it gets easier !
I also can tend to be a quiet one (when I'm not being Lucy, that is.) I can break out in a cold sweat at the thought of having to engage in superficial chit-chat! UGH! People watching/observing is one of my favorite things to do! And I agree, it creates a sensitivity to others.
Keep on being who God created you to be! You're doing great!
Fondly, Cheryl
Please come join us here... and we can sit quietly together :)
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